When I was a boy – see that picture? That was me,
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees,
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they’ve got implants to put in,
they’ve got implants to remove.
But I am not forgetting… that I was a boy too.
And like the woods where I would creep, it’s a secret I can keep,
Except when I’m tired, ‘cept when I’m being caught off guard,
And I’ve had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.
And so I tell the man I’m with about the other life I lived,
And I say, “Now you’re top gun; I have lost and you have won”
And he says, “Oh no, no, can’t you see,
When I was a girl, my mom and I, we always talked,
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I’m alone I seldom do,
And I have lost some kindness,
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you.”— Dar Williams, “When I Was A Boy“
A few weeks ago, I read an article by a mother named Stephanie Metz, who wrote about her frustration with the constant pampering of children in today’s society. To an extent, I can agree with her. I absolutely agree that children need to learn how to cope under stress and in times of conflict. However, her attempts to show that society is keeping “boys from being boys” and vilifying children deemed “bullies” were too infuriating to excuse.
Stephanie begins her post with an anecdote about her son’s decision to leave his toy drill at home, worrying his teacher will think it is a gun, and he will get in trouble for it. She continues with a few nostalgic paragraphs about the good old days, when little boys could play with toy guns free of judgment, and “bullying was defined as slamming someone up against a locker and stealing their lunch money. There was a time when kids got called names and got picked on, and they brushed it off and worked through it.” Yes, I often sigh and wish we could return to times like those…
She also describes her sons as “typical little boys. They love to play guns. They love to play good guy versus bad guy. They love to wrestle and be rowdy. That’s the nature of little boys, as it has been since the beginning of time.”
Now, I am not a boy, nor have I ever been. But I have a brother, and a dad, and many male cousins, and countless male friends and peers. When they were children, some of them liked to play pretend guns. Some of them liked to wrestle and be rowdy. But some of them liked to play on the swings. Some of them liked to draw pictures or write storybooks. Some of them liked to play with dolls. Some of them liked to do all or none of these things.
And I, of course, was a little girl. I liked to play with baby dolls. I liked to watch Disney princess movies and write stories. But I also liked baseball and basketball. I liked to roll in the mud. I liked to play “good guy vs. bad guy”. I liked to climb trees and run in the dirt and scream until my throat hurt.
I suppose Stephanie Metz would find many of us “atypical” for these things.
I take offense to that. Boys, don’t you? Aren’t you sick of this “boys will be boys” mentality that suggest that, when left to your own devices, you will naturally experiment with violence and aggression?
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Stephanie goes on to worry that her boys natural male instincts will lead to trouble: “How long will it be before their typical boy-ish behavior gets them suspended from school? How long before they get suspended from daycare??? How long will it be before one of them gets upset with a friend, tells that friend to go away and leave them alone, and subsequently gets labeled as a bully?”
I have to take issue with this sentiment as well. Stephanie apparently wishes society would return to the time when “bullying” only involved physical violence and children were expected to “brush it off” when they were called names or teased.
Without letting myself get too nasty: is that a joke?! I was never beaten up in school, but I was humiliated and teased – for my clothes, my religious background, my face, hair, body… and I could not “brush it off”. I spent many afternoons and evenings crying, convinced I was hated and ugly and unworthy of affection. I recited prayers while lying in bed, asking to wake up as a different girl, a prettier girl, a more popular girl, a girl who boys would love.
I also spent plenty of days trying to protect my younger brother, who was the constant of victim of what can only be described as emotional abuse. His own “best friend” tried to chase him with peanut butter, to which he has a fatal allergy. He was laughed at for being “gross” or “weird” or “gay” – and all the disgusting terms people might use for gay. Our neighbor videotaped him in the boys’ locker room, and then he put the video on the internet.
And he was never mean to anybody. He did not respond to this harassment with cruelty or vengeance. He told people to shut up or leave him alone sometimes, but he never treated anyone badly, even to stand up for himself.
According to Stephanie Metz, this should have been some kind of amazing character-building experience. He has now learned how to function in the real world! Those boys were just being boys! Now he knows how to brush that off!
Maybe it did add something to his character. But the thing is, he was never instinctively aggressive or mean. But he was, and still is, as much a boy as the ones on the football field. And those other boys, those bullies, they are the ones that never learned how to function in the real world. Because they never learned to respect others, even those they do not understand. They never learned that it is wrong to intentionally hurt others, physically or otherwise. They may have learned to hide their cruelty and aggression to avoid punishment. They did not learn that it was inherently wrong.
So, Stephanie, you may say that children who are taught that bullying and violence are wrong will miss out on important life lessons, but I cannot agree. Your children, who are taught that anything short of “slamming someone up against a locker” is human – or rather, male nature – are the ones missing out. They are instead learning that boys who do not like guns and fighting are not “typical”. They are learning that fear of guns is a silly delusion. They are learning that they should follow the rules, leaving their toy guns at home, to avoid trouble; they are not learning how to do the right thing regardless of the consequences.
Lawrence Kohlberg’s stages of moral development fall into three categories: pre-conventional, conventional, and post-conventional. Children generally fall into the pre-conventional stages, which include (1) obedience and punishment orientation, in which the person acts in order to avoid punishment, and (2) individualism and exchange, during which children understand that there is not always one “right” way. Later, adolescents and adults enter the conventional stages: (3) good interpersonal relationships, in which individuals behave in order to gain approval from others, and (4) maintaining the social order, which involves a desire to uphold the law and avoid guilt. Finally, older adults reach the post-conventional stages and begin to judge right from wrong based on principles, justice, and moral reasoning.
Stephanie Metz, your attitude about bullying and violence is what has led children, such as those who made fun of my brother, to get stuck in stage one. Is that what you want for your boys? As long as they get to be “typical boys”, right?
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While I agree that current politics and education have, in some cases, gone overboard with “political correctness”, I strongly feel that following Stephanie’s advice would be a step backwards. Perhaps going overboard is what we, as a society, need to do in order to finally be rid of these antiquated gender stereotypes and parenting methods that never teach right from wrong. There are far too many adults in this world that continue to behave based on personal gain and the desire to avoid punishment. A change is definitely needed in the way we are raising our children. Whether the current approach is working or not, there is no reason to give up and return to standards and methods that have been failing for decades. Unless Stephanie can look back at the past 150 years or so and tell me that the world has been doing just fine and dandy, her arguments to return to old societal norms and pressures seem ignorant and invalid.
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To add one last thing, the recent draft of Michael Sam to the NFL has gotten me excited to see where society is going. He is the first openly gay man to enter the NFL. I was sad, though not entirely shocked, to see that the announcement of his draft and the subsequent kiss between Michael and his boyfriend brought on so many cruel and hateful reactions, especially by fellow players. Regardless, his success is an inspiring story that shows that, no matter who you are, no matter whom you love, never give up on what you love and what you know is right. If his triumph is any indication of the direction in which we are headed, I am comforted to know that the Stephanie Metz’s of the world are a dying breed.
Something I like to remind people when I can: Be careful not to end up on the wrong side of history.
What we need to teach our children is the lesson of Michael Sam: Be kind. Believe in yourself. Seek people and things that you love, and never back down from showing the world your passion for each of them.
CLICK HERE TO READ STEPHANIE METZ’S POST
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO DAR WILLIAMS’ SONG “WHEN I WAS A BOY”
Living with Life 